"Chink"

July 18

As I wrote before, my parents adopted my two brothers from South Korea. Caleb was about three when he came home; one year younger than my biological older sister Courtney. One year later, they adopted Garrison, and he was around three too, and one year younger than Caleb. I was the youngest, one year below Garrison.

There are all sorts of things that adoption agencies would not recommend about this situation today. Namely, don't mess up the birth order. They'd probably not allow a family to adopt two kids who were adopted older than one to be adopted so close to each other. Nowadays, agencies mandate trainings and give warnings to prepare families for the complexities of adopting a child older than one who may or may not have attached, and therefore may have attachment issues. Today, agencies also have overt conversations about race; I don't believe this happened when my brothers came home, but if they did, it was not with the understanding agencies have today.

My first memories of seeing racism were with my brothers at elementary school. Other kids tried out the word "chink" on them regularly, while pulling their white round eyes at the corners so they were "oriental" looking. I can remember one of my brothers smiling once, perhaps in an effort to laugh with versus be laughed at, but mostly I remember the pit in my stomach watching their facial expressions and knowing that something was not okay, but none of us knew what to say or how to get out of the moment. At the same time, I knew it was not directed at me. I never said a word to my parents. I don't think I had the words to describe what I saw my brothers experience.

There are other comments that my brothers and now my daughter have to endure that make me cringe and want to lecture, and I want to tell her to disregard those comments, they mean nothing, but avoidance is not an answer. I used to get questions all the time about where she is from (Minneapolis, same as the rest of her family). The question people are asking is where was she born. And sure, they are simply trying to start a conversation, but why is the conversation starter about her race, the way in which she is different? Frances, obviously, has been one, four, seven, and now is ten. She is a fun, interesting and chatty person, but point out how she is different, and she turns shy very quickly. There is so much to say about her that has nothing to do with where she was born.

I also used to get comments about how lucky Frances is that we adopted her. No one says this about Solana. What is the intended message?